Yay! You found my secret page. You are someone I gave this link to (that means I trust you) or a stalker (wtf how did you find this page).
Anyway I'm never done editing this page, so if you are a stalker, you can fuck off.
Nobody knows my story. People, even my closest friends and acquaintances, only see me as withdrawn, a social outcast. Weird and crazy af. Basically any label that does not define me as 'normal."
I define my non-normalcy as a 'lone wolf' - someone that prefers being alone and drifts from friend group to friend group. I do come out of my shell for help though. But most of the time I am very independent.
One important thing you should know about me before reading the rest of this long rant about my life is that my brain works too fast for me to process. I have so many thoughts and ideas going around my mind that it's a blessing if I find a way to turn my mind off and clear of thoughts. I have trouble falling asleep because my mind will continue to bother me with so much chaos. And if you haven't noticed, I also have trouble writing my thoughts down into a somewhat intelligible structure since my mind is currently exploding with endless thoughts I want to write down. Long story short, you might need several re-reads to process what I wrote down below.
So let's start from the beginning. I was a normal kid then. I had friends, watched TV, did things that little kids do. I started swimming, did ballet for a short while, and started my music career with recorder and piano. I loved reading - I would apparently look over my dad's shoulder to read the newspaper when I was 3. I was happy.
When I started kindergarten, I made friends, but most of them moved to other communities, forcing me to find more friends. Sometimes I did find new friends, but more often than not I was alone - recesses consisted of me playing on whatever playground equipment I wanted to play on. I was also in a sense a teacher's pet because I love helping people. I still do. My love for books carried over to school, so I would find solace in reading whatever book I could get my hands on and I would often get caught trying to read under the desk during class.
I have a hard time trusting people for a lots of reasons and things that happened in my elementary school. There's prob more reason in later years but I'm trying to get this thing in chronological order. I'll just do this part in bullet format since I like keeping stuff organized.
In middle school, I slowly drifted away from my elementary school class friends/students and looked forward to making friends with the other elementary school students that fed into my middle school. Anyway, let's flashback a little back to elementary school. I realized that I crushed on one of the jocks in my 5th grade class, and that was my first crush. He eventually found out because I think I told his friends and stuff happened. It was an unrequited, so I was a little dejected out about. Flashforward to middle school - I crushed on a different boy every school year. I never told any of them that I crushed on them, but I might have been a little obvious since I basically stalked them (rip). My signature would be anonymously leaving them presents, usually something I made and if they looked and thought hard enough, will realize that the gifts will lead back to me. I know that at least one of them knew/realized and he confronted me about it - I denied it but he knew, because eventually he blocked me on Facebook. Another of them might have known because we both kinda got made fun at. And the last one, I don't have the balls to tell them that I had a crush on them. Hopefully one day I'll tell him.
In middle school, I also made my first enemy. We don't know who started it, but I am sincerely sorry that it happened. It was probably my fault, since I messed up big time with him and I don't think he was tolerable of my presence since our first meeting. I don't want to go deeper at the moment, but this incident stemmed my anxiety issues. I am always scared that I messed something up - whether if it is a friendship, relationship, my performance, just basically everything that I do. I hide my anxiety pretty well, but there are times when I be mentally out of it since I am trying to push my anxiety back down.
We eventually kind of made up after I guess 5 years, but we don't talk to each other. Even though we live in the same dorm, I have only seen him once after 5 months. Around the time that we 'made up' (he unblocked me on Facebook), I realized that our feud was stupid, dumb, and a waste of mental energy. This is why that I don't hold grudges or talk shit about other people. First of all, I don't know what their situation is
Some days I don't remember who I am. Am I a hard-working musician? Am I cursed to be an outcast despite that the music community is a community of outcasts that have banded together? Am I someone that yearns for death but is only holding on the life out of sheer stubbornness? Am I someone who has puts up multiple facades to hide the fact that I mentally died? Or am I just person that is just a little more broken down than others?
I define my non-normalcy as a 'lone wolf' - someone that prefers being alone and drifts from friend group to friend group. I do come out of my shell for help though. But most of the time I am very independent.
One important thing you should know about me before reading the rest of this long rant about my life is that my brain works too fast for me to process. I have so many thoughts and ideas going around my mind that it's a blessing if I find a way to turn my mind off and clear of thoughts. I have trouble falling asleep because my mind will continue to bother me with so much chaos. And if you haven't noticed, I also have trouble writing my thoughts down into a somewhat intelligible structure since my mind is currently exploding with endless thoughts I want to write down. Long story short, you might need several re-reads to process what I wrote down below.
So let's start from the beginning. I was a normal kid then. I had friends, watched TV, did things that little kids do. I started swimming, did ballet for a short while, and started my music career with recorder and piano. I loved reading - I would apparently look over my dad's shoulder to read the newspaper when I was 3. I was happy.
When I started kindergarten, I made friends, but most of them moved to other communities, forcing me to find more friends. Sometimes I did find new friends, but more often than not I was alone - recesses consisted of me playing on whatever playground equipment I wanted to play on. I was also in a sense a teacher's pet because I love helping people. I still do. My love for books carried over to school, so I would find solace in reading whatever book I could get my hands on and I would often get caught trying to read under the desk during class.
I have a hard time trusting people for a lots of reasons and things that happened in my elementary school. There's prob more reason in later years but I'm trying to get this thing in chronological order. I'll just do this part in bullet format since I like keeping stuff organized.
- My elementary friends moving away thing. I have met some of them later in middle/high school but things are different after years of not seeing each other.
- Near the end of 5th grade, I settled in a friend group with a bunch of Asian girls. One day, I was alone and overheard them gossiping about me. I don't remember what the gossip of me was about, but I took it hard and pretty much drifted away from their clique. To this day, I'm not friends with a single one of them. In fact, I don't have any connections with anyone from my elementary school class.
- I used to have an aversion for getting help from others. I think that started from when I tried getting help from my dad and I end up crying since I didn't get it.
- I think someone accidentally stabbed me with a pencil in 2nd grade. Not sure what really happened but my parents made a big deal about it and the 'attacker' spread rumors about me and people started to lowkey avoid me.
In middle school, I slowly drifted away from my elementary school class friends/students and looked forward to making friends with the other elementary school students that fed into my middle school. Anyway, let's flashback a little back to elementary school. I realized that I crushed on one of the jocks in my 5th grade class, and that was my first crush. He eventually found out because I think I told his friends and stuff happened. It was an unrequited, so I was a little dejected out about. Flashforward to middle school - I crushed on a different boy every school year. I never told any of them that I crushed on them, but I might have been a little obvious since I basically stalked them (rip). My signature would be anonymously leaving them presents, usually something I made and if they looked and thought hard enough, will realize that the gifts will lead back to me. I know that at least one of them knew/realized and he confronted me about it - I denied it but he knew, because eventually he blocked me on Facebook. Another of them might have known because we both kinda got made fun at. And the last one, I don't have the balls to tell them that I had a crush on them. Hopefully one day I'll tell him.
In middle school, I also made my first enemy. We don't know who started it, but I am sincerely sorry that it happened. It was probably my fault, since I messed up big time with him and I don't think he was tolerable of my presence since our first meeting. I don't want to go deeper at the moment, but this incident stemmed my anxiety issues. I am always scared that I messed something up - whether if it is a friendship, relationship, my performance, just basically everything that I do. I hide my anxiety pretty well, but there are times when I be mentally out of it since I am trying to push my anxiety back down.
We eventually kind of made up after I guess 5 years, but we don't talk to each other. Even though we live in the same dorm, I have only seen him once after 5 months. Around the time that we 'made up' (he unblocked me on Facebook), I realized that our feud was stupid, dumb, and a waste of mental energy. This is why that I don't hold grudges or talk shit about other people. First of all, I don't know what their situation is
Some days I don't remember who I am. Am I a hard-working musician? Am I cursed to be an outcast despite that the music community is a community of outcasts that have banded together? Am I someone that yearns for death but is only holding on the life out of sheer stubbornness? Am I someone who has puts up multiple facades to hide the fact that I mentally died? Or am I just person that is just a little more broken down than others?